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One of my favourite past times is to fire off cannons from the walls of El Presidio, play land grab at Armadillo or just gallop around the sierra sitting on my trusty ass. During my western odyssey I’ve seen a few achievements come and go, but non odder than the Lemming Award.

It happened one day while I was jumping across roof tops in Blackwater chasing an Xbox Live rival. Unfortunately, I got too excited and leapt to where no building existed before falling to my doom and lying in a crumpled heap in front of my nemesis.

I remember hearing what sounded like an infant’s voice laughing at my geriatric level of gaming incompetence. As I waited to respawn, an achievement popped informing me that I had died 50 times falling off tall buildings, rocky ridges and fort walls. Mmmm.

4. Resident Evil 5: Egg on Your Face Award

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I didn’t like Resident Evil 5 because I was rubbish at it. I just could not stay alive as I continuously ran out of ammo before being cornered and dispatched with by hordes of Majini.

One day, while cornered again, I desperately fired, threw and swung everything I had. It was useless though, as the zombies just kept coming. With seconds to go before my end, I went through my itinerary one last time and found my stash of eggs.

I had planned for Chris Redfield to eat those eggs later, perhaps with a nice cup of tea, but times were hard and away they went.

Imagine my surprise then when one of the zombies crumpled to the floor after taking the last of my poultry grenades in the face. Imagine my shame, when the above achievement popped up to confirm that salmonella poisoning is a legitimate way to kill zombies if you are daft enough to run out of bullets. I traded the game in at the local shop the next day.

3. Arkham City: Storyteller Achievement

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After taking out Two Face and his goons in the Court Building you can go down into the basement and find a curious character muttering to himself. At first I was stumped as to what to do with him.

I tried shooting electrical charges, planting high explosives and chucking ice mines to get at him, but to no avail. Eventually, I realised that violence is never the answer to the life’s problems and turned to the calendar next to this strange little man’s cell.

Lo and behold, if you speak to the guy on one of the circled dates he tells you a bizarre story. Several dates appear throughout the year and, yes, any body sad enough can visit this character on each date, listen to his ramblings, and achieve the story teller achievement.

Quite frankly, if that is how you would like to spend Valentine’s Day, you are welcome.

2. Risk: Master Veteran Medal

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I play too many video games. I know I do.

When I get a new game I sometimes spend so long playing it that, when I eventually emerge from my dark room, it’s quite possible that there has been a change of government in between.

The only thing that makes this worse is playing a game which tries to convince you that it is an achievement to behave like this. This is what Risk on the iPad does, by telling you that you have achieved the Master Veteran Medal for trying to conquer the world 100 times.

To me, it’s like being told how many calories are in the cake you just ate.

1. Alan Wake: Bright Falls Aficionado

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Alan Wake is a relatively hidden gem from 2011. I thought it was game of the year. As a fan of Twin Peaks, The Twilight Zone and Stephen King, it was for me like entering the genre of horror suspense itself.

Perhaps, I replayed the game a bit too often though, as one time, while wandering about the woods fighting off ghosts and ghouls, I discovered what to me was yet another very interesting sign with ‘fascinating’ information about Bright Falls.

After spinning 180 degrees to quickly flare gun my pursuing posse of friends, I prepared to read this interesting tit-bit in piece and quiet. Pop! Before I knew it, I had been informed that I had read all there is to know about Bright Falls, its wildlife, deer festival and general weather patterns.

Mmmm, truly an achievement to be embarrassed about .